


Hannibal Sucks at Sex

by chee



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Anal Beads, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bad Sex, Blow Jobs, Bondage, Bottom Hannibal Lecter, Bottom Will Graham, Crack, Implied Alana/Hannibal, M/M, Medical Procedures, Needles, Sex Toys, Shower Sex, Top Hannibal Lecter, Top Will Graham, Topping from the Bottom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-05-10 06:34:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14731779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chee/pseuds/chee
Summary: It's just bad sex.Edit: Now it's just bad sex with a little bit of plot. Why. Why am I doing this.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [entanglement](https://archiveofourown.org/users/entanglement/gifts).



> :)

He wasn't drunk enough for this, Will thinks as he looks at Hannibal trying to get his dick interested. They had only had that one glass of wine after Hannibal had cleaned up and took a shower, getting out of his prison clothes.

Hannibal was definitely interested, Will was right in front of him naked and laying on the bed in his cliff-side house, his ass already lubed up and ready. The years leading up to this moment had apparently taken too long as Hannibal got older and couldn't exactly keep his dick up.

The condom in Will's hands is still unwrapped and waiting for Hannibal to get hard enough to roll it on. "My ass is going to dry before you even get hard, Hannibal."

"Be patient," Hannibal replies, getting on top of Will, pressing his lips to the former FBI agent's. Will sighs into the kiss, grabbing Hannibal's dick himself and starts pumping the length through his own hands. 

Finally, Hannibal gets hard enough that the condom can be rolled on. Will nudges Hannibal to his back, slowly he rolls the condom down his length until it reaches the soft curls of pubic hair. Wrapping his hand around Hannibal’s erect cock, Will pumps it a few more times noticing that it has already softened.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me, Hannibal,” Will scoffs, his penis feeling more like a water wiggler than a hard cock. His own interest has waned itself, the arousal he had experienced with Hannibal fingering his ass with lube quickly dying like Hannibal’s own erection was.

“I’m in my fifties, Will…it is,” Hannibal starts but Will cuts him off, his lips against his.

“Shut up,” Will replies in ragged breathes in between their kissing, “you’re killing the mood even more.”

Hannibal pushes Will back onto the bed, his belly up, legs spread around Hannibal’s shoulder as he tries and push his cock into Will’s hole. “That’s my perineum…” Will explains, annoyed that Hannibal entirely missed his asshole.

Stilling, Hannibal tries once more, this time guiding it with his hands, pressing it into Will’s ass. Guiding his cock in, he finally pushes in, underneath him Will twists the sheets into his hands, the pressure of the dick in his ass a sharp pain.

“Ow,” Will breathes out between his teeth, “did you lube it up before you put it in me?”

“Oh…no…one moment,” Hannibal replies, grabbing the tube of lube and squirting some more on the rest of his cock. He throws it on the bed sheets, slowly pressing back into Will’s hole.

Slowly, he enters, Will’s ass slowly spreading and allowing the thickness inside of him without anymore sharp stinging pain. When Hannibal pushes all the way in, Will nods when Hannibal asks if he feels alright.

Will realizes that Hannibal is very…breathy…when having sex, constantly he breathes his hot breath into Will’s ear at every single thrust. He adjusts himself on the pillow, trying to get away from Hannibal’s heavy breathing.

He is also extremely sweaty, sweatier than Will’s night sweats when he had encephalitis. It must be exhausting, Will thinks, looking up at Hannibal’s twisted face, his eyes closed as he fucks into Will.

Will looks off to the side of the bed, more interested in the clock on the night stand and counting the minutes it takes for Hannibal to get off.

A bead of sweat drops off of Hannibal’s face and lands into Will’s ear. He grimaces, pulling his hand up away from Hannibal’s back so he can wipe the sweat from his ear. It was like a wet willy, but instead of saliva it was a big ass bead of sweat that was making more love to his ear drum than Hannibal was making to his prostate.

Will sighs, putting his hand on his dick to at least make this whole thing worth-while but with Hannibal grunting on top of him, it was very hard to keep his own dick interested in the whole matter.

He looks over to the clock again, two minutes have passed as Hannibal continues to thrust in and out of him without any changes in position. Was he really just gonna do missionary the entire time? Will wiggles a bit, “you want me to get on my stomach?”

“No, this is fine,” Hannibal breathes out, finally stilling on top of him as he releases into the condom.

Will blinks, “okay…”

Slowly, Hannibal’s cock leaves his ass. The gross wetness of the lube starting to grow cold only added to the discomfort of the bead of sweat still in his ear. “Did you come?” Hannibal asks, staring at Will’s naked stomach where there was obviously no come whatsoever.

“No, but it’s fine,” Will replies, disappointed but no longer in the mood to even try and get himself off. “Just…”

Hannibal walks out of the room then, into the bathroom, and returns with a towel around his dick. Cleaning himself off.

With that same towel, he then cleans Will up. But it’s not much cleaning off given Hannibal was pretty much just spreading his come on the towel back into Will’s ass.

Hannibal then lays beside him, dropping the towel onto the floor. His eyes are closed before Will could say anything more to him. Will just stares at him, and with a sigh he stands up from the bed and wonders over to the bathroom to take a shower and clean himself off from the entire…whatever the hell that was.

When he gets out of the shower and enters the room once more, Hannibal is already snoring and fast asleep on the bed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even more bad, awkward, not very fulfilling sex. Why am I writing this....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone wanted will to top so he didn't have to go through THAT again and i agree. but hannibal is still shit at sex. maybe will is too? maybe they both just fuckin suck at sex.
> 
> also wow, this got long.

With their injuries from fighting Dolarhyde putting talk of sex on the back-burner, they hadn't made any attempt at a second round since the first time. But now, with their injuries healed and their asses safe in Cuba away from the FBI - although from the looks of things they believed their faked deaths - the talk of sex came up once more.

It was after dinner (sadly, not human) and a few glasses of wine later, Hannibal was pressed up against Will once more. Kissing the crook of his neck with a savage hunger. Will moans, even if their sex was fuckin’ awful at least Hannibal was a good kisser.

They pull and tug their clothes off as they make their way through the darkened hallway, not needing the lights as they fumbled through, their mouths pressed together. Hannibal’s bedroom door was left open, Will was walking backwards when suddenly-the shriek of a dog as Will accidentally steps over a corgi.

“Oh, oh my god, I’m so sorry Bingo!” Will pulls away from Hannibal, instead he runs his fingers through the corgi’s fur. An apology that the dog seems to accept.

Hannibal flips on the lights then, watching as Will runs his hands through the dog’s coat. “Perhaps Bingo Puddins should be left outside.” He sneers at the name his previous owners gave him, but Will didn’t seem to want to name him something else.

The little corgi is gathered up into Will’s arms, the little shit stares at Hannibal as he’s carried away. Hannibal just stares back, the little mood ruiner.

He’s settled out of the bedroom door and Will closes it behind him. “There…where were we…” Will sensually says, sliding his hands all over Hannibal’s shirtless form.

“Could you wash your hands?”

Will blinks, “what?”

“You were touching that dog.”

“Oh Christ…” Will mutters out, rolling his eyes and starts for the master bathroom. “I’ll wash up, your highness. In the mean time, get yourself prepped.”

Hannibal’s head crooks a bit, reminding Will of a confused dog, “you want me to bottom?”

“Yeah,” Will explains, “you were shit at topping last time.”

There’s silence after that, as Will enters and starts the water. Washing his hands as if he was about to go into surgery, he peeks out of the door and looks over at the bed. Hannibal is just sitting there, with the tube of lube still in his hands. And his pants still on.

Will dries off his hands and throws the towel over on one of the chairs to be used for clean up later and asks: “here, come on. On your belly.”

With Hannibal on his belly, flopped on top of the bed like a dying fish, Will pulls off his pants and flips open the tube of lube. It’s cold to the touch, but Hannibal doesn’t even seem to budge as Will presses his finger into his opening. “You okay?”

“I am,” Hannibal replies.

“You just seem a little stiff, you sure you want to do this I mean I can bottom if-“

“It’s fine,” Hannibal turns to look at him, “you can skip the condom if you’d like. I know your full medical history and-“

“Yeah, gonna stop you right there…” Will nods, continuing to open him up with the additional girth of a few more fingers. “Don’t think talking about STIs is considered foreplay, Hannibal.”

Hannibal looks away, still unmoving underneath Will, not even remotely getting into Will’s fingering. Will presses his prostate then, finally getting a little bit of a response as Hannibal closes his eyes.

Really.

Will pulls Hannibal up away from the bed, putting his hand on Hannibal’s length. He’s harder than before, Will notes, the Viagra he had stolen along with other medical supplies for their injuries unneeded for now at least. Hannibal was into it, even though his stoic ass didn’t want to remotely show it through moving and making noises.

So, Will moves forward, and lubes up his own dick as he slowly presses it into Hannibal’s ass. “God, you’re so tight,” Will sighs as he presses in further. “You feel okay?”

Still unmoving, Hannibal nods. His face with no emotion at all as he just lays there. “Feels good,” Hannibal replies as if they were discussing the weather.

Annoyed, Will gets a bit rougher, trying to get Hannibal’s usual stoic person suit to fuck off so it didn’t feel as if he was fucking a blow-up sex doll. He shoves himself deep into Hannibal, maneuvering him onto his knees as he pulls out and thrusts back in. For good measure, Will slaps Hannibal’s ass.

Still nothing.

What the fuck.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this Hannibal?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

Will stares down at him, Hannibal bent over and his ass currently pressed all the up against Wills with his larger-than-average-dick shoved up his ass. “You’re just really quiet…and you’re not moving much.”

“Oh,” Hannibal blinks, finally moving his head a bit to stare up at Will, “I’m not sure how I should move, being a bottom…”

Will sighs, his hands around Hannibal’s hips, hating that he has to explain it, “I mean, like you’re stiff as a board Hannibal. And you’re not making any sounds or-“

“Ah,” Hannibal exhales, seeming to understand what Will wants out of him, “I’ll try to do that for you Will.”

“Alright…” Will replies, “put your hands on the headboard.”

Hannibal does as such, Will following him as they adjust themselves on the bed. Will wraps his hands around Hannibal’s dick as he keeps himself sheathed in his ass. Maybe it wasn’t enough to just penetrate the man, maybe he needs his dick stimulated too, Will thinks.

With his hands around Hannibal’s dick, the man finally seems to react more. The hands tense around the headboard as Will starts to fuck him again. Keeping a smooth rhythm.

Will could feel himself getting closer to the edge, and Hannibal too as the man starts to wiggle – even if just a little – underneath him. It’s something, at least he isn’t stiff as a board like before.

Will continues, his breathy moans hitch at every thrust. He adjusts them once more, kissing Hannibal’s mouth as he pushes his cock into Hannibal’s ass. Then, the fakest, most unpleasing sound comes out of Hannibal’s mouth when they break away from kissing.

“The hell was that?” Will stares at him, stilling himself inside the other man.

“You wanted more noise?”

“Yeah, real ones…not…what was that a dying bird?”

Hannibal shrugs underneath him, “I don’t feel the need to make noise, Will.”

Will feels himself loosing interest down there, and he pulls out with a sigh, “alright, sorry. I didn’t mean for you to fake the noise, it’s just you were very…it was like fucking a blow up doll, Hannibal.”

“You’ve fucked a blow up doll?”

“No…” Will presses his hands to his temples, “no, you know what I mean. You weren’t very responsive.”

Hannibal adjusts underneath him so that they were both facing each other, “I could bottom from the top. Power bottoms, I believe the youth refers to them.”

Will shakes his head, looking down at his now softening cock, “no. Dicks not into this anymore.” He sighs, flopping back on the bed.

“I would offer to suck your cock,” Hannibal starts, the cannibal looking over the sprawled naked form of Will on his bed, “but you were just inside me and I’d rather not.”

“Christ, Hannibal,” Will gets up then, grabbing the towel from the armchair in the corner of his room and flings it over to Hannibal. “I’m gonna go clean off then.”

As the shower starts in Hannibal’s master bath, Hannibal cleans himself up with the towel. Neither one of them had gotten off, and perhaps he wasn’t as enthusiastic as he could’ve been. He was enjoying it, but he’s never been one to show his emotions.

Hannibal pads across the room and enters the bathroom, he then opens the shower door and slides in beside Will who was currently lathering soap all over his body. Conditioner still shiny in his hair. Will stills when he feels Hannibal’s arms surround his waist, his hands sliding down Will’s soapy stomach and towards his now-softened cock. “I apologize Will, I might not have been the most responsive person for you but I’d still like for you to come.”

Will turns around allowing Hannibal's advances as the stream of the water washes off the rest of the soap. He places the washcloth on top the faucet, and smiles, hungrily kissing Hannibal back as he runs his fingers over his cock. Trying to get him hard and interested once more.

The stream of water hits Will’s back, allowing Hannibal to get on his knees and take Will into his mouth. Will grabs the railing in the shower, the feeling of Hannibal’s warm mouth on his dick springing it back to life.

The bar of soap is knocked down as Will grabs for leverage as Hannibal begins to bob up and down on his length. He takes a soft step back as a jolt of pleasure runs up his spine and Will slips on the bar of soap.

His dick slips out of Hannibal’s mouth and as Will slips and falls in the shower, the spray of water from the shower hits Hannibal in the face.

Will groans as he feels the knock on the back of his head from the fall, pulling his hand away to some bright red blood. Hannibal stands up, shutting off the shower as he stares down at Will with a grimace on his face.

The bruise and cut from Will slipping in the shower is added to another long list of injuries to recover from, as they return to Hannibal’s bed with a first-aid kit and Tylenol. “Perhaps shower sex wasn’t a good idea.” Will blinks and stares up at Hannibal as he works an anti-bacterial salve into Will’s cut. “You won’t need stitches.”

He groans in relief, laying back on the bed when Hannibal releases him, “I just wanna go to bed.”

Hannibal smiles, grabbing a pair of pajama pants folded in his dresser and puts them on. He grabs another pair, and hands them to Will, “I’m sorry to say that you hit your head rather hard on that faucet that you may have a concussion. You’ll have to stay up until I deem that you’re fine.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me, Hannibal.”

“I am not,” he starts as he opens up the bedroom door, “I’ll go make some coffee.”

Will groans into a pillow, the sound of dog nails on the floor as Bingo Puddins runs back into the room and attempts to jump onto the bed. There was one major rule about Hannibal’s bed and that was no dogs on them. Whatsoever.

Will just watches as the stubby corgi jumps several times in the attempt before he finally leans over and grabs him.

When Hannibal comes back to his bedroom with two cups of coffee for them both, there’s corgi fur all over his bed and a slightly dazed Will with Bingo on his lap.

He hands him the coffee with a smile, “revenge, I assume?”

“Yes,” Will replies, taking the coffee cup with one hand while the other was firmly on Bingo’s soft furry back. And Will makes it a point to pet the dog, letting more fur fly onto the bed sheets while keeping eye contact with Hannibal.

The man says nothing, accepting the punishment instead as he settles beside Will, coffee in hand.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will comes to terms that maybe Hannibal is going to suck at sex forever but dammit he WILL get off today no matter what the cost....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is such a funny and stupid thing to write i enjoy this so much, i hope you guys r enjoying their bad sex adventure too
> 
> also, i dont know what cuban hospitals are like at all so i guessed at it

“I don’t believe that I need this, Will. I was sufficient enough last time.”

Will presses the bottle into Hannibal’s hands, the pills rattling with the force of being all but shoved into the cannibal’s palm, “it’s just to help, take one.”

He doesn’t of course, in which Will groans and throws his hands up in the air in defeat. Instead, Hannibal takes out his reading glasses, grabs and holds the pill box out away from him, and tries his best to read the directions.

“You want me to read it for you, old man?”

“I’m only ten years older than you,” Hannibal replies, still holding the box out and nearly squinting even with the reading glasses. “I’m very careful about what I put into my body and I’m not sure this is needed.”

Annoyed with watching Hannibal struggle to read the tiny print, Will grabs the box from him and starts reading it out loud. As he reads, Hannibal places his reading glasses back onto the nightstand on top of a rather heavy book he reads nightly, crosses his legs on the bed, and listens.

Done reading from the box, Will grabs the bottle of pills and shoves it back into Hannibal’s hand, “please. For me. I haven’t gotten off the last two times, and I would really like to have some _okay_ sex.”

“Am I to bottom again?”

“No, I’m topping from the bottom.”

Hannibal takes one of the pills, swallowing it down with a glass of water and smiles up at Will, “should we begin?”

“God yes,” Will starts taking off his clothes, grabbing lube, situating himself onto the bed as Hannibal helps spread his legs.

One of Hannibal’s thick fingers runs over his hole, before dipping inside, spreading the lube and Will open. As he lays on top of Will, fingering him and spreading him wider, he kisses him deeply.

When a third finger slips in, Will adjusts them both as he flip Hannibal to lay on his back. Straddling Hannibal’s hips, he lubes up Hannibal’s cock before throwing the bottle off to the side, and situating his hole over his now-hardened dick.

Slowly, Will moves himself down, allowing himself to adjust to the width of Hannibal’s cock. As Hannibal fully enters Will, Will begins to move himself. At first, he keeps it at a slow space, straddling Hannibal’s hips as he thrusts up and down.

Then, faster, he fucks himself on Hannibal’s dick. The man underneath him was silent and unmoving just as before, only his arms showed any tension as he held onto Will’s hips, helping him.

Will bends over, kissing Hannibal as he continues to ride Hannibal’s dick. Touching himself, he runs his lubed up fingers over his own cock as Will takes Hannibal’s back inside him, and then - Will finally comes. It’s a burst of absolute relief as he comes all over Hannibal’s stomach, with Hannibal’s dick all the way up inside him.

He can feel himself tightening around Hannibal’s dick, could feel Hannibal coming inside as well. Will lays down on top of Hannibal, finally enjoying their shared moment together. It had taken a couple of times to get some average as hell sex, but after coming like that – finally, Will feels like it was worth it.

After cleaning each other up, Will lays back in the bed as Hannibal rummages through the bathroom still. As Will slowly nods off to sleep, Hannibal feels himself down there. His cock still hard as hell even after coming – it was starting to feel a little painful so he grabs a couple pills of aspirin and swallows it down with another gulp of water and lays back next to Will.

It’s only been about an hour since he took the pill, it should go down in at least another with the blood thinner inside of him…

Yet, as two hours pass and the pain only getting worse, he sits up, “Will.”

Deep in sleep, Will doesn’t budge. Hannibal grimaces, the pain in his dick even worse even after taking the aspirin, “Will,” he nudges him then.

Beside him, Will groans. His voice deep and groggy with sleep: “what?”

“It still hasn’t gone down.”

Will shoots up then, suddenly awake as he turns and takes Hannibal in: his face is all pinched up in pain. “What do you mean it hasn't gone down?"

"I took some aspirin to thin my blood out a bit, but it hasn't done anything...the pain has only gotten worse."

"Fuck…do we go to the emergency room?”

“I would insist on doing it here, but we have ran out of syringes for this type of medical problem from when we were recovering from the Dragon…”

Getting up and grabbing his clothes that were flung all over the floor, he grabs Hannibal’s next and places them on the bed, “get dressed, I’m driving you to the ER…should’ve done this hours ago the wait time is going to be even more painful for you.”

Hannibal does get dressed, carefully sliding his pants over his painful erection that looks even redder and engorged than ever. “I’m sure you’re enjoying this.”

“I’m not. At all,” Will replies, grabbing his wallet and keys. He opens their bedroom door, ignoring as Bingo and Sidd rush into the room. The newly added dog - picked up from the streets of Cuba -  immediately jumps onto their king-sized bed, the mutt happily laying down next to Hannibal as the man got dressed. Bingo settles around Hannibal's feet, more than ready to trip him once more.

There must be a lot of pain as Hannibal doesn’t say a word about the fur getting all over their blankets and sheets, instead he carefully waddles toward Will, trying not to brush his painful dick against his trousers.

Hannibal’s pants were obviously tenting, so Will grabs one of the blankets and wraps it around Hannibal’s waist to hide most of the swelling, “yeah…that should work.”

“You want me to wear this to the ER?” Hannibal groans, continuing out the door.

“It’s the ER, Hannibal, not a fancy ball. You want everyone to know you have an erection or just want people to think you’re cold?”

“It’s summer.”

“Whatever.”

Nobody really paid attention to the two Americans sitting in the middle of the ER waiting room, the Cubans too focused in their own on-goings in life to give a shit about the middle-aged man who’s waist was currently wrapped up in a paisley printed blanket.

The structure wasn’t the best, the hospital was over-crowded even at this time of night, with less than clean floors and walls. But Hannibal didn’t give a shit as he leans back in pain, holding Will’s hand so tight that it looked like he was having a baby instead of a painful erection.

After the nurse calls out their fake names, they are brought into a shared room. “ _And what brings you two in today?”_ She asks in Spanish.

Will never bothered to learn much Spanish, so it’s Hannibal that replies, “ _Priapism. Been like this for five hours now._ ”

The nurse nods, writing that down, “ _did you take any blood thinners?”_

_“Alcohol during dinner and aspirin afterwards.”_

_“I’ll be right back with the doctor.”_

Hannibal nods, turning his attention back to Will, “I still think you’re enjoying this.”

“Why would I enjoy this?” Will questions, more annoyed at the fact that the room was shared without any curtains for privacy.

“Because I drugged you and exasperated your encephalitis, this is clearly revenge.”

Will rolls his eyes, “I didn’t plan for you to be one of the few people that gets an erection for more than four hours, Hannibal. I just wanted to ride your stupid dick and get off for once.”

 The doctor strides near them then, two 50 ml syringes in his hands, “ _I’m doctor Martinez, I’ve been told you’ve had an erection for longer than five hours?”_

_“Yes, it’s nearing six now with the wait time in this hospital.”_

The doctor nods, prepping the clean syringe and turns to the nurse, _“can you grab me one of those privacy dividers? And an ice pack."_ Then to Hannibal and Will: _“an erection is hardly the top of our priorities in an ER…especially those who aren’t Cuban citizens.”_ Will could only notice the basic Spanish words and the words that are similar to the English forms, but he can understand the jist of what they are saying as he watches the doctor and nurse work. “ _What erectile prescription was it?_ ”

 _“Viagra,”_ Hannibal replies. “ _50 mg dosage._ ”

Doctor Martinez hums, “ _try splitting the pill next time, lower it to a 25 mg…”_

 _“Don’t think there is going to be a_ next _time…”_ Hannibal gasps out in pain, another throb making his dick twitch. A bead of sweat rolls down his cheek, even if Will doesn’t understand what he’s saying – its clear the man is in pain because of him.

_“It’s rare for this to be a side effect of those medications, you can also switch to Cialis if lowering the dosage doesn't work.”_

The nurse comes back, bringing back a little fold out divider for some privacy from the other patients in the same room, she then settles an ice pack on the table beside them.

_“You may take off your pants, I’ll have to drain the blood out of your penis.”_

With the privacy divider, Hannibal sheds the blanket off his waist and slowly brings down his trousers, the erection still red and veiny.

The doctor wipes off the area of Hannibal’s dick where the corpora cavernosa lays with an alcohol wipe and then inserts the syringe into one of the large veins, he draws out the blood and then pulls the needle out. Then, he grabs another syringe – this time full of saline water and places it back into Hannibal’s dick and injects it. “ _We’ll check up on you in another 30 minutes. Until then,”_ the nurse hands him an ice pack, “ _keep this on your penis.”_

The two hurry off to their next patient, as Hannibal sits there with an ice pack on his swelled dick. Will sits beside him, still holding Hannibal’s hand, “didn’t understand most of that.”

“They said to keep this on my penis…”

“Yeah, I got that much when you put it on your dick, Hannibal…I caught ‘minutos’? and ‘pantalones’?”

Hannibal nods, “yeah, they’ll be back in 30 minutes to check on the swelling.”

“Is it feeling any better?”

“Only a little, some of the pressure went down when he drew some blood but it’s…feeling numb now that the ice is on it.”

“I’m sorry about this, Hannibal. It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have forced you to take these…”

“You didn’t force me, I was well aware of the side effects and I chose to take them for you.”

“Yeah, exactly. For me. I was too concerned about getting off that I didn’t consider you might suffer because of it. I just need to accept that you’re…you’re you, and while it may not always be the best sex, I’m at least with you for it and that’s all that matters.”

Hannibal looks up at his partner, a swell of adoration overcoming him even though what Will said was simultaneously an insult and he smiles, “Will.”

“Yeah?”

“Go grab some syringes in case this happens again.”

 

* * *

 

 

Jack Crawford slides the photos from a surveillance camera towards Alana Bloom, her wife sitting next to her, “it’s confirmation that they’re alive.”

That looming threat of Hannibal wanting to kill Alana, that promise made years ago had made her and Margot constantly on the lookout that someday he would be there. Now, as she looks down at the photo before her, she will have to look out for both Hannibal _and_ Will.

“Where are they?” She asks.

“This was taken in a hospital in Cuba.”

Alana sighs as Margot says, “no extradition there…why is Hannibal wearing a blanket?”

Both Alana and Jack look at what Margot is pointing at, the blanket wrapped around his waist, “ah yes, apparently they went in went for a thing called ‘priapism’.”

“And what’s that?” Margot asks.

Jack coughs, awkwardly, “he took some erectile dysfunction pills…and it didn’t go down.”

“Oh, god, they’re having sex,” Alana balks.

“You’re surprised about that?” Margot blinks, “I mean those two were practically glued to each other.”

“I’m not surprised about that,” Alana replies, “I just feel sorry for Will.”

Both Margot and Jack stare at Alana, curious about why she would feel sorry for a man who, out of his own decision, decided to run off with a serial killing cannibal. “Why do you feel sorry for Will?”

“Because Hannibal is atrocious at sex…did you know that he didn’t even know where my clit was?”

Jack blinks, taken aback at the sudden TMI that was just dropped on his lap, “but he’s a doctor and…”

“Yes, exactly. He was a doctor, and yet he didn’t even know where my clit was during sex.”

“The hell did you date him for then?” Margot shakes her head, baffled at Alana’s decision to date the guy.

“Well, I thought he’d get better at it.”

“And did he?”

“I’m with you, Margot, so that’s the answer to that.”

Jack intrudes then, putting his hands up in the air in surrender as the two ladies before him talk about personal matters way beyond his job description, “I just wanted to let you two know that we do have confirmation that they are alive. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve had enough information about Hannibal’s sex life to last me for the rest of my days.”

Alana and Margot lead Jack to the door, exchanging their good byes as they watch him depart.

It’s Margot that speaks up next, “it’s what Will deserves, to be honest.”

Alana snorts, “for running off with that ass? Completely...though, I do still feel sorry for him. Hannibal is just god awful at sex.”

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hannibal and Will try to be kinky, but bondage doesn't really work out for them...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted a proper wrap up to this fanfiction that was just meant to be a one-shot to completely disappoint one of my friends with horrifically bad hannigram sex (she requested it to NOT be crack but as this went on i'm so sorry but this is full on crack now), so hopefully this is a good ending to this garbage...
> 
> also i really hope no one got off to this i really really hope not,,, like it was written to cause the exact opposite.
> 
> anyways im on tumblr at translucifermorningstar.tumblr.com

Perhaps it was just vanilla sex that didn’t do it for them, perhaps being a bit kinkier could spice things up in the bedroom, Will thinks.

When they finally made it to Barcelona, that was when they both approached the topic of bringing in some sex toys to celebrate their honey-moon in Spain. The anal beads, bondage gear, the black paper bag from the sex toy shop, and a bottle of lube all sat there on the bed as both Will and Hannibal stood there fully dressed – staring at the items. “I don’t even know where to begin,” Will says, his hands over his mouth as he thinks this over.

Neither one of them have been particularly kinky in their sex lives, for Hannibal it was the typical in-and-out missionary style that was simply enough for him to get by. And for Will, while Molly wanted to do some more kinkier shit in the bedroom, but they have never really gotten around to doing it as Will was sucked back into old life dealing with Hannibal and the Dragon.

“We could watch some pornography,” Hannibal suggests, "and get an idea of what to do?"

Will scoffs, “I mean, it’s pretty self-explanatory would we really need an instruction manual on-“ he picks up the anal beads and wiggles it around “-these? You just stick them up-“

“Alright, well, do you want to start?”

Slowly, Will shucks off his shirt and settles onto the bed, allowing Hannibal to slide up against him and help take off his pants. It’s a nice feeling to have Hannibal’s weight on top of him, and he can feel himself get harder as Hannibal’s hands wrap around his thighs.

The toy is quickly inserted into him, and it wasn’t hard to figure out with a lot of lube, the toy is quickly settled inside of Will and they both ended up fully naked and on top of each other, kissing heavily.

The bondage, however, was a different story. The bunch of leather straps was a confusing mess to figure out what went where as Hannibal grabbed it and started messing around with it, “how many bodies have you tied up, Hannibal, and you can’t even figure this out,” Will mutters as he just lays there, toy still up his ass, but his cock quickly softening again as he watches as Hannibal tries to figure out if it was knotted up on purpose or on accident.

“It’s far more complicated than just some rope,” Hannibal explains, frustrated at the pre-made leather straps.

“Fucking Christ, just grab the handcuffs and try those instead, we got a headboard.”

Hannibal ends up tossing the leather straps and harness off to the side and does as he is told, grabbing the sex toy shopping bag and rummaging through it until he finds the handcuffs. They’re padded, and Hannibal locks Will’s wrists into one and then wraps the other around the headboard.

Then he does the same with Will’s other hand. And that was when the _Great Idea_ hit for Hannibal, he had heard about it from other people about making their partner wait to get off would make their orgasm even better. He smirks as he muses it over, having Will below him and locked up, if he left now for a few moments maybe Will would be so desperate to get off that it wouldn’t matter if he wasn’t exactly good at sex.

Attempting to be dominating, Hannibal says, “will you be a good boy and stay here for a moment while I run downstairs?”

Will’s eyebrows tense, lowering, confused about what the hell Hannibal is going on about calling him a 'good boy', “the hell do you need to run down stairs for?”

“It’s a part of the roleplay…kink…” Hannibal explains. “Just let me try this.”

“Oh, okay…” Will replies, letting Hannibal do what he wants. Will was the one handcuffed to the headboard, after all, if their attempt at being kinky meant being submissive in this role, he’ll do it.

But he wonders what the hell Hannibal is up to, as the guy grabs his trousers, leaves, and closes the door behind him. The fucker ain’t really gonna leave him here with a fucking sex toy up his ass and his hands handcuffed to the bed, is he?

Yes, was the answer to that, as Will looks over to the tabletop clock on the night-stand and sees that five minutes have passed. Was this Hannibal’s attempt at trying to get him so desperate to get off that he’ll beg for relief? If so, Will thinks, the fucker was an idiot and didn’t even get something that vibrated inside him or shit, anything really. He just lays there on the bed, sprawled, and just really fucking bored with bunch of anal beads up his ass that aren't even situated on his prostate.

“Hannibal?” He yells out, “this shit ain’t working, get the fuck back in here. If you wanted me desperate for relief, I am ‘cause my hands are just falling asleep.”

Still, nothing.

God dammit, another five minutes pass when he finally hears a footstep in the hallway, “finally. The hell were you?”

He’s expecting Hannibal to walk in, with yet another attempt to get Will off with _something_ , but the SWAT-team barreling into the room with a bunch of military-grade guns was _definitely_ not that.

Will tries to cover himself up, staring at the bunch of black helmets and body armor, but his hands are still stuck in the hand-cuffs.

When Jack strolls in, at a motion of one of the SWAT-teams hands, Will groans.

“Get him some pants,” Jack yells out, and one of the team members grab the trousers that were flung on the floor and wrestles them onto Will’s leg. Jack simply watches with disapproval at Will laying there, handcuffed to the bed, “I knew you two were having sex but, this…”

“Where’s Hannibal?” Will cuts to the chase, trying to plan anything to get out of this mess.

Jack sighs, “already hand-cuffed and locked up in the SWAT vehicle. You’ll be joining him, don’t worry, wouldn’t want to break up you two on your honey-moon.”

Will blinks, surprised that Jack knew about their marriage, hell, surprised at all that he had found them.

“You two weren’t hard to track down, had every news station playing your faces,” Jack continues, watching as the SWAT members unlock the fake handcuffs and tug Will’s arms back and towards his back, locking him in actual handcuffs now.

Jack follows them downstairs as Will is escorted down. As Jack had said, a SWAT van was waiting outside of their apartment, a group of people already huddled around the police line to see what was going on in the darkness of the night.

Will is pushed into the vehicle’s back end, followed by two of the SWAT members. They say nothing as they guard the door, watching with their pitch-black helmets as Will sits by an equally shirt-less Hannibal.  “I hadn’t meant for you to wait that long, Will,” Hannibal says, his arms pulled back, the hand-cuffs not visible but obviously there.

As Will sat down, he could feel the anal beads still up his ass, and he twitches as one of them pushes against his prostate, “the fucking toy is still up there Hannibal.”

There is a banging on the metal door from where the drivers sit and Jack’s loud, “shut the fuck up” is yelled at them.

Will groans, and Hannibal slides closer to him as the vehicle starts up and the annoyance grows over the pain in his ass – both literal and figuratively with Hannibal whispering “don’t worry” into his ear. 

But his pain in the ass husband quickly turned into a saint, as, in the palm of Hannibal’s hand was the key to the fake handcuffs he had put on Will, but it still worked on the real ones as he sneakily unlocks Will’s pair, “are you desperate now?” 

“Yes,” Will whispers back, staring into Hannibal’s eyes with adoration as the handcuffs pop off. They both smile at each other, readying themselves to attack the guards and escape from Jack once more.


End file.
